last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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