I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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