I just pynch a tree in the face
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
