I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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