Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
being pregnant is like rehab
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize