yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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