My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
