dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
