I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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