He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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