You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
