she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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