I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
