Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
