There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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