if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
