Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
