??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
