I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
