WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This is my gift to your gina
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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