good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
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