ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
