was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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