Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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