I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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