yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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