I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
