Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
