I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
