I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize