remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
