My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
