last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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