I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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