Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
should my penis look like a turkey
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
