If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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