[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize