he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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