your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
