Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
