Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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