you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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