so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
