Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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