...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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