she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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