we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
