life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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