This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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