sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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