I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
