i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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