I don't usually arrange sex via text message
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
