One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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