Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize