Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
