My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
