You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
