Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just google imaged poop.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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