I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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