How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
