Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
