I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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