Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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