I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Pooping to opera.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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