i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
